Fully-Fledged Londoner

A few of my friends and colleagues have recently told me that I am now a ‘fully-fledged Londoner’. I initially thought this was a good thing, but now I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not really much of a compliment! It basically means I’m a miserable cow who hates everyone (so it’s not really that much of a change, I guess).

Having lived in London for nearly eight months, I’ve come to realise there are some things that really rile me up the wrong way. I wanted to share these with you:

  1. When you’re walking in a really packed place, or you’ve reached the top of a busy escalator, and the person in front of you just stops (usually to check their phone or do something unnecessary). After doing an emergency brake on foot, it’s often difficult to overtake them without punching the back of their head.
  2. Leicester Square. I avoid it like the plague.
  3. Customer service in shops is so extreme – either outstanding or awful. The shop assistant in Boots on Holloway Road once grunted when I came over to pay, and told me she was tired of serving customers. Quit your job then, you whining cow.
  4. When someone’s right at the front of the queue, blocking off the doors to the carriage and they’re not even getting on the tube. Everyone hates you, dimwit.
  5. When you’re on a packed tube and notice a young girl/guy quickly grabbing a free seat, even though they’re surrounded by some elderly people standing in the aisles. Wow, your parents have really taught you well.
  6. You can’t really stop people breathing on you. In fact, I’ve become accustomed to coffee breath, stale cigarettes and rancid onion/booze burps. I feel honoured that people share this with me as I stand in front of them on a hot, packed tube. Really.
  7. That random third person that butts into a silly squabble in a busy public place, when it has absolutely nothing to do with them. Mate, don’t try to act like a hero. No-one cares enough to praise you for it.
  8. The fact that you’re never alone anywhere for more than ten seconds. The other day I was pleasantly surprised to be the only one in a tiny greeting card shop at lunchtime. Before I knew it, 35 people entered at the same time and I had no space to stand. I left without a card.
  9. Eating in a mixed food restaurant is really difficult if you’re dairy free and not a fan of onions. In fact, just stay at home with a bowlful of vegetables.
  10. Cyclists. Kudos to them for being green and active. However, why do some of them get too big for their boots and start overtaking large vehicles without a helmet on? Assholes.
  11. People who talk loud on packed tubes, especially in the morning. I find it really hard not to throttle you.
  12. Couples that stroll along the busiest areas/stations in London at peak time, holding hands and blocking off everyone behind them. Seriously, how did people with no brains get into a relationship?
  13. Those selfish twats that think holding a coffee cup or newspaper entitles them to more space than anyone else on a packed tube. No, mate. It’s your fault if you get coffee on your white blouse or a paper cut in your eye.
  14. The stairs at Farringdon tube station in the morning. When you’re stuck in front of a pusher and behind a backpack wanker, your day couldn’t get off to a more glorious start.
  15. Stations with lifts. Why are these lifts slower than any other lift I have ever used before? Is someone doing this deliberately so I get arrested for criminal damage?

I will probably start hating more things as I continue living in London, so I’ll keep adding these to the list.

Please do feel free to share your pet hates with me (or even better, tell me which drink helps you deal with them!)


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