Nice to tweet you… Or is it?

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Ahh, the wonderful world of Twitter. “I’m never joining that crap. I have nothing to tweet about anyway,” I assertively declared around three years ago. Over 32K tweets later, I stand corrected.

Tweeting has become part of my everyday life, over the past three years. Now I realise, I have a lot to say and I much prefer saying it to a bunch of strangers, rather than friends. As well as communicating, Twitter has further fuelled my interest in observing people and their behaviour. I’ve started recognising people’s tweeting traits, and can now class them under certain categories in my head.

What categories are these?!” I hear you cry.

Well, here’s how it goes:

Clingers

Usually nice people at first, so I follow back with no hesitation. Next thing I know, they’re replying to my every tweet, DM’ing, asking for my number, finding reasons to ask for my email address, liking every picture on my Instagram and commenting on every blog post. I appreciate your efforts in starting a friendship, but please just calm yourself.

Poachers

These tweeters are just lazy. They wanna network with new people, but don’t wanna spend time searching for them. So they trawl through my tweets/followers list and follow every single person they possibly can. By doing so, they immediately become the next person I unfollow. Find your own friends, love!

Misery-guts

Every tweet is a sad quote, a bitchfest, a subtweet aimed at another tweeter or just a hypocritical declaration of how they hate drama. If they stopped hating everyone they came across, then maybe their tweets wouldn’t be so predictable. FFS, why not mix it up a little and just try having some fun? We all love a bit of a moan, but at least try and make it engaging!

Sharers

An open book. They will tweet anything in their heart, without giving a second thought. Tweets are usually raw and unadulterated, often inviting followers to find out more about their personality and experiences. Personally, I love sharers. I see their tweets/blogs as an exciting journey that I can be part of.

Barbies

I don’t follow very many of these but they tend to pop up on my timeline, prompting me to stalk their profiles. Tweets are usually centred on Drake/Beyonce, designer goods, the car that Daddy bought them, and airbrushed selfies (often focusing on their tits, ass, hair or lips). They seem to follow around 200 and are followed/worshipped by 4000 (mainly guys).

Barbie Worshippers

Usually men, but the rare lady does crop up sometimes. Their mission in life is to get a Barbie’s attention. Even a simple ‘LOL’ reply from a Barbie will be retweeted, favourited, screenshotted, instagrammed and blogged. OK, I exaggerate, but a Barbie Worshipper is always on the lookout for a new doll. It’s a vicious circle of superficial admiration. It makes me cringe.

Football Jizzers

The breed I am most vocal about. Yes, I get that they love nothing more than football, but surely, they can’t be watching the match if they’re continuously tweeting about it. There’s nothing worse than the C word being plastered all over my feed, or the ultimate group orgy when a goal is scored (“OMG, get in, yesssss!”). Also, no-one likes a sore loser. Yet why do I see grown men sulking and insulting each other, or spouting disgraceful abuse about the winning team? This type is responsible for my constant fury!

Deep Thinkers

Tweet when they have been inspired by something. A book, a teaching, a film. Their carefully crafted tweets provoke discussion and spread some wisdom, often bringing a little intensity into everyone’s timeline. I usually participate in these conversations when they strike a chord with me. Deep thinkers give us something to ponder over. Please, educate me.

Bandwagoners

These tweeters partake in every conversation, on any subject. They seem to find common ground with everyone and like every single activity, TV show, celebrity, trend, song in the world. I don’t get it. Either they have too much time on their hands, or they just want to conform with whoever they’re talking to. Why not use YOUR Twitter to tell the world what YOU like, regardless of whether it’s popular or not?

Packs

Groups of people that tweet no-one else but each other, usually small talk or cryptic messages. I’ve been guilty of this in the past, but I try to refrain from this now. Non-pack members are always a little hesitant to tweet this type. In fact, if you tweet just one member of the pack, there’s an 80% chance that another member will pipe up. After that, your phone will buzz until it spontaneously combusts. Stop hiding behind your pack, and come out to play. You’re missing out on all the fun!

Hounds

Similar to Barbie Worshippers, but they usually prey on any female that follows them. Once you unknowingly hit the follow button, you’ll be greeted with a DM, within minutes. Usually something along the lines of ‘I’d like to get to know you.’ Better still, they will respond to your tweets via DM. Or constantly tell you that they wanna take you out, totally oblivious to the fact that girls talk. We all know you’re sending similar messages to every girl you follow. Get off Twitter and join a dating site.

Banter Bunch

One of my favourite types of people. They use Twitter for nothing other than banter. They push boundaries and are not afraid to be controversial with their humour. They don’t give much away about themselves, but the mystery only adds to their popularity. No drama, just witty banter… with a little sleaze!

The best Tweeters cannot usually be placed in one category. So, what type of Tweeter are you?

DISCLAIMER: This post intends to be poke fun at everyone (including myself), in a light-hearted manner. Please do not be offended by my categorisation. If you are, then you will immediately be placed in the ‘Misery-guts’ category. 😉

 

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